More Life Changing Moments.......

After Dad died, I stayed in Illinois for 2 weeks to help my mom get things taken care of concerning my dad's pension, life insurance, medical bills, memorial cards, ect.  Then I flew back home to LA with the boys.  It was so hard to leave, but I needed to get back to real life & deal with my own emotions.  Also, Matthew had already missed the first 3 weeks of preschool & he had been without therapy for almost 2 months.  So, it was time to move forward.

I had to keep my mind & my body busy, because every minute that I wasn't doing anything my mind would become preoccupied with flashbacks of the events of the summer.  I decided that I would start dieting & exercising to become healthier and basically keep myself busy at all times.  That way I didn't have to deal with my feelings.  I also had become dependent on Xanax to manage my anxiety & depression.  I was a complete mess and no one seemed to really know what to say to me or how to act around me.  

So, a week into my diet I started feeling really light-headed and I just kind of brushed it off.  Then I tried to remember when my last period was, and it was on August 25th, the day we moved my dad to Hospice.  I remember so well, because I was curled up in a ball in his bed.  I had been on birth control pills, but with everything I'm not sure when & if I took them most days.  I knew there was a very slight chance that I was pregnant, but I just decided to take a test to put my mind to ease.  Then I about SHIT when it was positive!  I couldn't believe it!  It wasn't possible.  I couldn't handle being pregnant on top of all the other emotional crap I was dealing with.  I cried and cried and then cried some more.  I had wanted another baby, BUT not NOW!  Not when it was struggle for me to get out of bed every morning.  I began questioning my own faith.  I have always believed that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but He was really pushing it this time.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, this was my dads last gift to me.